Of Inappropriate Flirtations
by BlackDandelion
Summary: AU Sam and Mercedes are keeping their relationship a secret. Puck has decided that Mercedes is the girl for him. Drama ensues. One-shot.


**Of Inappropriate Flirtations**

Author's note: It's offical, I'm obsessed. And on Christmas break, which is why I have so much free time to do this. (Well that and no sleep. I promise you, I do have a life as well.) I've always thought it would be interesting to see what would happen if everything was right in the universe and Sam hadn't moved and Samcedes continued with their secret relationship in school. Anyway, please excuse any mistakes, random comments and absurd scenarios. That's just how I roll.

Disclaimer: I do not own glee. Obviously. (Say it slowly, I rhymed!)

Summary: AU Sam and Mercedes are keeping their relationship on the down low. Puck has decided that Mercedes is the girl for him. Drama ensues. One-shot.

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><p>"Hey girl, so I've been thinkin'-"<p>

"Dangerous, that," snarked Santana.

She and Mercedes had been walking down the hall quite peacefully, when Puck had jumped at them from nowhere with a broad smile on his face and wiggling eyebrows.

"Oh, don't you have a strippclub to work at?" Puck swiveled so he could walk beside Mercedes.

"Don't you have a cougar to wham, bam, thank you m'am?" Santana tugged on Mercedes' arm, annoyed at how close Puck was getting to her Wheezy.

"Believe me, when I bam, the cougars thank _me._"

"And lunch is officially ruined," Mercedes sighed as they came to the cafeteria doors.

"What I was saying, 'mama," Puck grinned as he slung an arm over her shoulder, Mercedes squirmed uncomfortable, "was that I think you should have another go at the sex shark?"

"Who?" Mercedes asked, scanning the room for a familiar blonde head.

"_Me_."

Santana let out a loud laugh and scurried away to the table where Glee sat.

"What? No, no-" Puck tightened his grip as he lead Mercedes to the table. She could see Sam glaring at Puck with a death stare as Santana recounted what had just happened with animated motions.

"Puckcedes is back on?" exclaimed Artie, looking confused.

"What? No, no, no-" Mercedes gulped.

"Soon enough," Puck smiled, _finally_ releasing her so she could collapse next to an amused Quinn.

"This is what happens if you insist on secret relationships," Quinn whispered, nodding towards an agitated Sam.

The first week of school was a nightmare. Puck would jump out of corners with flowers and for some reason tots. He serenaded her with Chris Brown. He tried to rap, unsuccesfully.

And every single time, Sam would get twitchier and twitchier. Normally, it would end up in the janitor's closet, with him marking his claim all over her but Mercedes could tell that by the end of the week Sam was _this close _to punching Puck.

"You need to turn him down," Sam growled as he, Mercedes and Quinn walked towards his truck.

"I am!" Mercedes exclaimed. Both blondes raised their eyebrows.

"You're really not, 'Cedes," said Quinn. "You just keep mumbling 'no' and then running away. I think he likes the chase."

Mercedes blushed. "Well, I'm sorry. I don't have a lot of experience in turning people down. It's not like boys are beating down my door."

"Except that they are."

Sam opened the door for her, an act that never ceased making her heart flutter, and raised an expectant eyebrow.

"Puck, Rashad-"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"All the guys that I seriously need to beat down if they don't stop staring at you." Mercedes groaned, rolling her eyes at her boyfriend. "Not to mention Quinn and Santana."

"Excuse me?"

"It was a small crush," Quinn snapped, blushing heavily.

"_What_?"

"I'm over it," Quinn waved her hands frantically to show how much she was over it.

"You're _over me?_ When were you _under me_?"

"'Ain't No Way'..." Both Quinn and Sam smile slightly, but Quinn is quick to correct, "but it was only for like a month."

"You wanted to get up on this for a _month_?" asked Mercedes.

Sam narrowed his eyes, "Better not try for my woman anymore, White Girl."

Quinn laughed and threw her arms around Mercedes' waist. "First of all, Sam, you're _white_. Don't be calling me 'White Girl'. And Mercy, I'm over it. I've got my sight set on someone else."

"Don't we know it," Mercedes grinned, poking Quinn with her elbow.

The next day was the most embarrassing thing Mercedes had ever experienced. It started in first period when Puck's voice suddenly sounded over the intercom, singing a sultry rendition of "Cry to Me". He ended the performance with a breathy: "Mercedes Jones, you know you're the chocolate to my Hershey kisses."

"That doesn't even make sense," Mercedes complained as she and Quinn walked to Glee.

"I thought Sam was going to explode," Quinn said, pushing the door to the choir room open.

"Look, can I just tell Puck that I'm in a lesbian relationship with you?"

Quinn paused, pursing her lips. "First of all, I'm not sure that would discourage him. Second of all, are you really going to go through all this just to keep you and Sam a secret? Why?"

"Because," Mercedes whined, "we wanted our relationship to be drama-free."

"Oh, you're definitely avoiding the drama," Quinn deadpanned as she and Mercedes watched Puck, wearing a fedora, wink at Mercedes with a leer that made her want to go and take a shower.

"Mr Schue," said Puck as the lesson began, "I would like to sing a song. I think it will be inspiring."

"Well," shrugged Mr Schue, "I don't see the harm-"

"Shouldn't we be planning for sectionals?" Sam snarled. Everyone in the room turned towards him, Mercedes sent him a chastising look and he blushed. "...just sayin'."

"It won't take long," Puck grinned at Mercedes and she scooted imperceptibly closer to Tina and Mike.

"Yes, I can see her," he started as the drums played. He was leaning against the piano, eyes fixed on Mercedes. "'Cause every girl here wanna be here. Oh, she's a diva," he sauntered across to Mercedes, eyes dragging along her body. "I feel the same and I wanna meet her." He came to a stop in front of Mercedes, hips gyrating like nobody's business as he started singing stronger: "They say she low do-"

"Isn't this just a little inappropriate," Sam exclaimed over the drums. All music ceased and everyone turned, again, to stare at him.

"What is your problem, man?"

"My problem is that you're singing a song about someone being a 'sexy bitch'! What about keeping things PG-13?"

"Says the guy who sang Justin Bieber?"

"He's like twelve!"

Mercedes could feel Quinn shaking with laughter behind her but she was too freaked out to send her a glare.

"Guys, can we just-"

"You know, what Sam?" yelled Puck, stepping onto the small platform to get up in Sam's face.

"What?" Sam snarled, standing up so that they were almost nose to nose.

"I think you're jealous of me!"

"_What_?"

"Yeah, that's what I think. I get all the girls, I've got swagger-"

"_Swagger? _You call your gorilla walk swagger?"

"Just because you're a complete loser that can't get laid because the only thing you speak is nerd-"

"Hey!" Mercedes jumped up, glaring at Puck with hot anger, "Don't you dare call Sam a loser! He gets laid plenty!"

Silence invaded the room. Mercedes could have cursed her mouth but she was too busy running out of the choir room with a speed that had Mr Schue raising his eyebrows and rethinking Jessie's whole 'lazy' comment.

"...what the hell?" said Santana, looking at a shocked Puck, a dumb struck Sam and a confused Glee club. "Are you shagging Weezy, Trouty Mouth?"

"There's a moniker combination that takes your breath away," mumbled Artie.

Tina narrowed her eyes, "'_Shagged_', Santana? Have you been watching 'Austin Powers'?"

Santana shrugged, unabashed. "Brits and I like to get our mack on to Mike Myers."

Mr Schue stood abruptly. "This really isn't a conversation suitable for my ears," he exclaimed, wringing his curls. He left the room, leaving his white-board marker behind him.

"I really need to find 'Cedes," said Sam, moving towards the door.

"Somebody really needs to explain what's going on here," said Artie as Sam left the room.

Brittany stood, "I can go get Mr Tubbington."

Everybody was too preoccupied to stare.

"Sit, Brittany." Quinn's voice was soft but it carried through the silent room. She was smiling, bemusement painted all over her delicate features. "I know what's going on."

"Mr Tubbington talked to you?"

"...yes." She motioned for Puck to sit, which he did without breaking his gaze on her. "Mercedes and Sam are dating."

There was silence.

"No, they're not," said Puck.

Quinn laughed, "Yes they are! They have since _prom_."

"Since _prom_?" exclaimed Rachel. "_Because_ of prom? Oh, then it's all thanks to me!"

"Yes, because that's what we're focusing on right now," Artie said dryly. He turned to Quinn, hurt clear in his eyes. "Why didn't they tell us?"

"Drama." At Quinn's statement a collective "oh" fell from everyone except Kurt and Rachel. Rachel because she was too busy animatedly telling Finn how she came up with the brilliant idea of Prom on her Budget.

"I can't believe she didn't tell me," Kurt exclaimed in a high voice, "we're best friends!"

Even Blaine looked a bit uncomfortable at his boyfriend's statement and Quinn snorted lightly under her breath, earning an amused glance from Artie.

"So why hasn't sexy mama shut my romance down?"

"She has," Quinn exclaimed in exasperation, "but it's _Mercedes._ Her idea of mean is Santana's idea of saintliness."

"That doesn't really say much," noted Mike.

"Wow," sighed Finn suddenly, "it's a wonder Sam didn't punch you when you started thrusting at Mercedes during your song."

"Or when you called her a 'tasty scoop of chocolate fudge' at lunch yesterday. Which," Tina continued, "by the way, is _not _something you should call girls if you want to woo them."

"Like Other Asian doesn't call you his dumpling," snarked Santana.

"Mercedes has been keeping him distracted," answered Quinn, turning to Finn. The implication didn't go over anyone's head.

"Go Weezy," Santana breathed, her face flushing a bit.

"Wait, so that thing about them...?" Puck raised an eyebrow, looking at Quinn expectantly.

"Yeah, I'm not discussing my ex-boyfriend and sister's sex life with any of you," said Quinn, laughing as she walked out of the choir room, pushing Artie in front of her.

"Where do you think they are?" Artie asked her as they proceeded down the hallway.

Quinn shrugged, absentmindedly resting the palm of her hand on the nape of Artie's neck. "I don't know, but to be quite honest I don't think we want to interrupt that right now."

Artie laughed, "Sam gonna' get some!"

In fact, when Mercedes had raced out of the room in pure embarrassment, she had not run to the janitor's closet that had become Sam and her spot. So, when Sam finally found her, she was revving up the engine to her car and getting ready to speed all the way home.

"'Cedes!" he yelled, over the noise of the engine, "Stop!" He banked on the window of the passenger seat. He could see that she wanted to keep on driving, but she would feel incredibly guilty if she left him in the middle of the parking lot. She bit her lip and looked contemplative for a second, before popping the lock of the door and inviting him in.

"Sam, I'm so sorry," she said, looking dejectedly at the floor.

"You're sorry that I got pissed off at Puck and spilled our secret to the entire club?" Sam laughed lightly, unbuckling her belt and gathering her stiff form in his arms.

"No, it was my fault. I basically put our whole sex life out there!" She groaned and buried her face in his shoulder, her words echoing in her brain.

"_Love _life, darlin'. And it's my fault - Mercedes, I started yelling at Puck for _singing a song_ in _Glee Club._ "

"I told everyone you had 'no problem's getting _laid_', this is all on me!"

"No, it's my fau-." Sam paused, "Why are we fighting over this? Who cares?"

Mercedes looked up at him with a small smile on her face, "But we were supposed to be like James Bond subtle."

"Yeah, to avoid drama. Which we didn't. Also, I'm pretty sure the punching bag in the gym is going to break if I keep substituting it for Puck's face."

Mercedes sighed, resting her hand on the back of his neck and massaging the curve of his spine gently. "Yeah, and all these impromptu make-out sessions in the closet mean I'm out of lipgloss."

"Sweetheart, that is _not_ an issue. Rachel gave me a multipack of chapsticks last year."

Mercedes stared at him for a moment, an amused smile dancing on her face. "You mean, we're serious enough for you to give me _chapstick_?"

He kissed her smiling mouth, soaking in the sunshine that was so her.

The next day, in the choir room, the tension was high. Everyone was seated as Mercedes and Sam came in and all eyes flew between Sam and Puck, who was sitting by the piano. When Puck stood and walked towards the couple, a collective intake of breath could be heard throughout the room. It turned into a chorus of 'aw's when Puck held out his hand towards Sam.

"Dude, sorry about all that, I didn't know..."

Sam shook his head, blonde hair flopping in all directions. "No, man, it's fine - you couldn't know."

The entire club sat content for a moment and watched as Puck and Sam shook hands. There would be peace at last.

At least until Puck turned to Mercedes, "Hey, Godiva. If you ever get tired of White Bread over here, I could tots show you a good time. A _very _good time."

He never saw Sam's fist coming.

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><p>Author's notes: Guys, thank you so much for all your reviews. You're all so very pretty!<p>

The song Puck sings, well tries to, is 'Sexy Bitch' by David Guetta. I'm assuming that 'Nissan-ad' Puck would choose this song when trying to compliment a girl.


End file.
